


i'm real (please say i'm real)

by strangr_kid



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Nightmares, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Number Five, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Sibling Bonding, Touch-Starved Number Five, Trans Character, me? projecting on number five? it's more likely than you think, they're good and they love eachother
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-08 20:05:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17987720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangr_kid/pseuds/strangr_kid
Summary: Five wakes up feeling like their not real. Like their alone in the apocalypse and can't shake the feeling without a little helporFive feels fake, is touch-starved, and needs a hug. Klaus happily volunteers.Following chapters will focus on Five and the other Hargreeves





	1. unreal

Empty. Everything felt empty. Five shot up in their bed and pulled their arms tightly around themself. They were trying desperately to make the world around them seem real. Their dreams had taken them back to the apocalypse, to miles and miles of hollow loneliness. Five, while not fully convinced they’d escaped in their half-awake state, was happy to be back in their bed. The only downside was that it’s not acceptable to scream whenever you get too stressed when there are others sleeping in the house. At least when they were alone they could be open about how they felt without the discomfort of intimacy. Their nails scraped against their bare upper arms, still trying to pull back into reality. They figured they wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep anytime soon so they wandered down to the kitchen, never letting go of their arms. They slapped together a sandwich and sat down on the counter to continue trying to center themself enough to breathe at a normal pace. Once their sandwich was finished they shifted to climb off the counter and fell on the ground with a loud thud. 

“Is someone in there?” A slightly hushed voice came from the next room. Klaus.

“No?” Five said, knowing nothing would keep his brother from walking in but hoping against hope Klaus would just leave it alone. The door swung open. Damnit.

“Are you okay?” 

“I’m lying on the floor, do you think I’m okay?” 

“I’ve come to discover the floor can be quite comfortable in times of crisis,” Klaus plopped down on the floor next to Five’s head and placed a hand on his shoulder. Suddenly the world felt real again, too real. They felt every movement they or Klaus made a hundred times more intensely than anything they’d felt in a long time. They didn’t know whether they wanted to lean deeper into the touch or teleport to another country, so they just went completely stiff. 

Klaus felt how stiff they went and slowly moved his hand away and began speaking again, “Do you think you can sit up?” Five nodded slowly and pushed themself off up until their back was against the counter and went back to grasping at their arms, forcing themself not to grip the spot where Klaus’ hand had been as it tingled. They saw Klaus’ eyes dart to the scratches and they realized that they probably don’t look very good. Aggressive, built-up scratches from weeks of nightmares and stress, dark marks under their eyes from lack of sleep, general dishevelment from falling off the damn counter like an idiot. Probably not the most put-together they’d ever looked. Their eyes rose to meet Klaus’ and they regretted it immediately. Their brother looked so… concerned. They hated being fussed over, they knew how to take care of themself, they did for 40 fucking years. 

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Why?”

“I’m fine, you don’t have to pity me.”

“Pity and care are two very different things, my friend. The look I’m giving you is because I just found my sibling lying on the floor of our kitchen at 3 in the morning. Now if it was me, no one would really be surprised. But, as far as I know, this isn’t really common for you. So, if you wanna talk about what it is that landed you here, I’m all ears. But I promise to fuck right off if you want me gone.” The soft smile on Klaus’ face was comforting. Five could tell he really was speaking from past experience. The thing is, Five did want to talk about it but had no clue how. They didn’t want to burden their siblings with their issues, the others had enough of their own shit. But Klaus looked so eager to listen and maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t hurt to say something for once. They sighed and squeezed their eyes shut.

“I was alone for so long. I mean, I had Delores, but she’s not exactly the most, uh, physically affectionate. I keep having these dreams where I’m back in the apocalypse and everything is empty and it’s just me and when I wake up nothing feels real. Usually, I can just scratch at my arms for a while until the pain makes my body feel like it’s actually me? But it just wasn’t working tonight so I came down here and I ate a sandwich and then I fell off the counter, which I don’t even understand, and then you touched my shoulder and everything went into high definition so I’m a little overwhelmed but it’s so much better than before so I don’t really know what to do.” By the time Five was half-way through spewing out their guts they could feel tears building behind their eyes and by the time they reached the ends tears were spilling down their face and Klaus was right in front of them. 

 

“Is it okay if I hug you?” Five tried to voice their consent but all that came out was a small whimper so they nodded and Klaus pulled them forward from their place slumped against the counter. “See, you’re real. Right here, right now, you and me. This is real, I promise.”

Sobs racked their small form as they shoved their face into their brother’s shoulder. Five thought they felt a few tears roll down his face into their hair. 

“You know I searched for you everywhere I went. I felt like if I could just find you, dead or alive, everything would be a little better. It was really dumb but it kept me going, having some sort of purpose. Even when you were missing you were still supporting me and I don’t know if any of us have told you how fucking happy we are you’re back. Obviously, I can’t fully speak for the others, but I am goddamn ecstatic. But, just because you’ve become so strong and independent doesn’t mean you have to be all the time. What’s happening right now? This is allowed. You’re not weak for it, having people you can find comfort in who find comfort in you is pretty much the only thing worth it in life, so now that you’ve gotten it back, don’t waste the opportunity. I’m not gonna make you talk to me or any of the others, but if you need to, or even just want to, I’m one space-step away. Okay?” Klaus’ voice shook through the whole speech but it was exactly what Five needed. They hadn’t felt that real since leaving when they were thirteen the first time. Five pulled themself impossibly farther into Klaus’ embrace and sobbed out a thank you. 

The two of them sat their, intertwined, crying into each other for only a few more minutes before Five passed out in Klaus’ arms. A soft smile rose on his face as he proceeded to carry them up to their room and place them in their bed. He then took a seat in the armchair Five had stolen from Dad’s library and curl up for the rest of the night. He refused to let Five wake up feeling unreal without someone to help again, at least for that night. For the first time, he felt like he could protect someone, and damn if he wouldn’t do it right.


	2. sleepy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five is tired, Diego is perceptive, and the family goes out for dinner

After that night, Klaus gets a lot more touchy-feely. He always sat down right next to Five on the couch so they would be pressed against him. He’d pull on their wrist when they were walking to a different room. Whenever possible, Klaus was pressing against Five. It sent Five reeling each time, but they were slowly getting used to it, which was kind of scary. The thing is, getting used to Klaus’ touch was entirely different from being used to all touch. Whenever anyone else patted their back or brushed against them they went as stiff as that night in the kitchen. They so desperately wanted to reach out and touch all of them but couldn’t bring themself to do it. Every once in a while Five would reach out then pull their hand back to their side. Sometimes Klaus would see and throw an arm around their shoulders or grab their forearm, but most of the time he couldn’t see. 

One day, Diego noticed. He saw Five’s hand tug to their side after Vanya took a step toward them and suddenly remembered all the touching Klaus had been doing. He’d just brushed it off as Klaus being weird and Five not wanting to start anything over it, but as he looked back Five always seemed to sink into the touch. Their face got a little softer and their shoulders sunk down from their usual stiffness. Then it clicked. Five was rapidly tapping their fingers against their thigh and staring into the distance with a hazy look in their eye. Diego took a step forward and placed himself on Five’s left and his hand on Five’s right shoulder. Their eyes shot up to meet Diego’s. 

“Is this okay?” He asked quietly.

“You’re fine,” Five replied, trying to sound apathetic but failing. Their voice dripped with subtle gratitude as they tried to stop themself from curling into Diego’s body. A soft smile spread across Diego's face as Five finally gave in and leaned into his touch. 

~

A few weeks later, Five was feeling hazy. This time there wasn’t even a dream to explain why they felt so out of it. They were tripping over things and walking into furniture because they couldn’t seem to focus on anything. They tried just teleporting everywhere but that left them tired and dizzy. They leaned against the arm of the couch in the living room when they heard a voice call from the foyer. 

“Five! We’re gonna go out for dinner, come with us!” It was Vanya, but they could hear other people walking down the stairs. They considered saying no, but they knew that would make it seem like they weren’t feeling well and they didn’t want that. 

“Be there in a moment,” They called back. 

They barely made it into the backseat of Allison’s car without falling over and they hated it. They always used Allison’s car on family outings cause it was the only one that could fit all of them. Allison and Luther day in the front because Allison was driving and Luther couldn’t fit anywhere else. Klaus sat in the back mumbling to the empty seat next to him, which Five assumed held ghost-Ben. Five was shoved between Diego and Vanya in the middle row and was doing their best not to touch anyone. It always felt weird just casually touching because they got so much more out of it then their siblings. It was like they were doing it without their permission, it felt like a breach of privacy. A level of intimacy they hadn’t agreed to. 

“Where are we going?” Klaus popped in, startling Five, though they’d never admit to it. 

“I was thinking Bertucci’s if everyone’s okay with that?” Allison asked. Everyone nodded so Five went along with it, though they didn’t remember what kind of restaurant that was. 

Diego noticed that Five spent the car ride focusing more on trying to keep their head held up than anything else and got worried. Something was off. When they got to the restaurant and everyone made a move to get out of the car Five stayed still, so Diego reached back and grabbed their wrist. 

“Come on, we’re going in.”

“Sorry, just zoned out,” After a second of contemplation Five noticed something, “are we at a mall?”

“Yeah, the only Bertucci’s around here is in the mall. Are you okay with that?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. Just got a little confused.” As soon as Five climbed out, Diego grabbed their hand firmly. Five gave him a weird look but didn’t protest. 

“Don’t want you getting lost. You haven’t been anywhere this crowded since we were kids.”

It was very clearly a bullshit explanation, though Diego thought it was reasonable. Five was starting to really enjoy the grounding touch so they didn’t argue. 

“Hurry up!” Klaus yelled from the door to the mall. 

“We’re coming!” Diego yelled back. As they got closer Five got leaned more and more into Diego. They were seated quickly because Allison had called in while they drove. Five begrudgingly pulled away from Diego’s hand simply so they could claim the corner of the booth. Diego sat next to him and Klaus sat next to Diego. Vanya took the seat across from Five with Allison next to her. Luther has pulled a chair over and was sitting at the end of the table. 

“My orchestra comes here after every performance.” Spoke up, trying to end the strange silence. Five’s brain decided what happened after that was just white noise. They knew the others were talking but they couldn’t focus for long enough to join in. They started to sink into the corner and lean their head on the wall, their eyes fluttering shut, but they were shaken up when Diego’s band landed on their thigh. 

“Are you okay? You seem really tired and out of it.”

“I’m fine.” They said firmly, though their voice sounded just a bit too groggy for it to be convincing. 

“Do you want to lean on me?” Five was too tired to have a crisis over that. They probably should have gotten more than a collective six hours of sleep over the last several days, but it was too late for that. So they grunted and let their head fall onto Diego’s shoulder. 

“I’ll take that as a yes,” He said, trying to keep up their usual level of detachment but sounding a tad too soft. Luckily for Diego’s image, Five didn’t care enough to note that lapse in apathy. As time passed, Five curled more and more into Diego. Eventually, Diego just decided to pull them under his arm so both of them could be more comfortable. Five made a sound of disapproval at his movement before burying themself in Diego’s shirt. By the time the waitress came back to the table with their drinks to ask for their orders, Five was hanging onto the fabric of Diego’s turtleneck like a lifeline. After Diego ordered his food the waitress seemed to notice Five’s state and looked back to Diego. 

“And for your kid?” He was startled at first but decided to brush it off. He heard the others laugh quietly to themselves as he nudged Five a little and was met with a death glare from a half-awake teenager. 

“You want anything?” Five glared for another second before just saying, “Just a Shirley Temple.”

“I guess they’ll have a Shirley Temple,” Diego looked back at Five who was already starting to curl back into him, “And some penne sauce on the side,” he added. Five grumbled their disapproval of Diego going against their direct request but honestly wasn’t opposed to some pasta. 

“Of course, and you?” She said, moving on to take Vanya’s order. 

~ 

When the waitress came back with Five’s Shirley Temple Diego tried to move away so they could get at their drink more easily but Five wouldn’t let him. 

“Stay,” They said simply as they nursed the bright red drink. Diego chuckled.

“I don’t understand how you can stomach that much sugar.”

“I have the tongue of a 13-year-old, so I might as well live it up.” Five slurred. Halfway through the meal, Five finished off their drink and silently passed the two cherries that had been in the drink to Vanya. 

“If you don’t like the cherries, then why didn’t you give them to her when the drink first got here?” Luther asked, perplexed. 

“Makes it taste different,”

“No way.”

“Yes, it does.”

“It definitely does,” Klaus adds.

“No, it doesn’t!” 

“Luther, why are you so passionate about this?” Diego asked calmly. He could see that Five was starting to get mad. He had sat up, no longer Tired and angry are never a good mix, and though Diego was not known for diffusing situations, he would sure as hell try. 

“I- I don’t know.”

“So let’s all just back off.” Allison nods along with Diego and pats Luther on the arm. Once everyone finished their meals, Five was asleep. Their breathing had shifted and they looked much more peaceful then they usually did. When they were getting up to leave Luther started to talk.

“I can carry-” But before he could finish his sentence Diego had already lifted Five up like a baby. Five was slight to large for it to look normal, but Diego didn’t care. 

 

~

Once they reached the house, Diego realized Five was still in their clothes. At that moment, he decided he was going to try to do something impossible. Get his sibling into pajamas without waking them up. He got Five on their bed and started on his task. First, he pulled off their loafers and socks, putting all his energy into not gagging, then, he very slowly tugged off their jeans and sweater, leaving their white undershirt. He then realized how much harder dressing them would be. It took him a full ten minutes of slow, deliberate work, but he got a pair of checkered pajama pants and a sweatshirt from a local college onto Five’s small form. He sighed in relief and lay down next to Five. As soon as his back hit the bed, Five reached out and latched onto his arm. He sighed in a mix of annoyance and fondness before moving the both of them up to the pillows and under the covers. He pulled out his phone and shot a message to the family group chat, saying that Five was asleep and wouldn’t be letting him leave for a while, then turned off his phone and the lamp. He then stripped off his pants because god only knows what would happen if he slept in those things. Diego pulled Five under his arm and fell asleep peacefully with the weight of Five’s head on his shoulder. 

~

When Five woke up they were met with a rather large surprise. They didn’t remember anything past drinking a Shirley Temple the night before, and now it seemed they were lying in bed with their brother, cuddling. And holy fuck was it overwhelming. Diego had an arm curled around them, pressing them into his side. The grip was tight and Five could feel their entire body tingling. It was way too early to be dealing with this. They tried to climb out of their brothers vice grip but only succeeded in disturbing his sleep. 

“What’s happening?” Slurred Diego.

“We’re cuddling… in my bed.”

“Yeah, besides that.”

“Why are we just moving past that part.”

“You wouldn’t let go of me when I got you into your pajamas, you tiny asshole. This position was your choice.” 

“You changed my clothes?”

“Seeing as you were incapable of it while passed out, yes I did. Is that an issue?”

“No, it’s just,” Five heaved a sigh, “I’m not used to people, I don’t know, taking care of me? It’s… odd. Also touching me. Not really used to that either.”

“Klaus touches you all the time.” Diego was starting to sit up, shifting away from Five. As soon as the contact was lost Five’s screamed for touch, touch, TOUCH. They pulled their arms around themself but it didn’t really help. 

“We had a heart-to-heart a few weeks ago about my, uh, experiences with loneliness and ever since he’s been helping me re-adjust to being around people.”

“I see you reaching out to touch the rest of us all the time. Usually, Klaus notices and does something. For a while, I assumed it was just Klaus messing around, but that was before I saw how small you look when you back away from touching one of us.”

“Diego, I know the academy wasn’t exactly touchy-feely, but you were around people, right?” Diego nodded, “They would bump into you, skin contact, the like. I didn’t get that. I got dust and dirt. According to a few psychology books I’ve been reading, I’m ‘touch-starved’. The simple solution seems easy, casual physical intimacy, the occasional hug, issue is, I have no clue how to initiate that. Klaus found me on the floor of the kitchen after a particularly bad nightmare and decided he’d help me out. That’s amazing,” Five’s matter-of-fact tone dropped for a second as they thought about Klaus’ care since that night, “but it can’t be enough. So, yes, I want to touch all of you but I don’t know how.” Five then let out a sigh, concluding their speech. Diego stared at them for another second before pulling them into a hug. Five let out a startled whimper but tried to cover it with a cough. Diego pretended not to notice.

“I’m not gonna try and say I get it, but know I’m here. Both physically and emotionally. I’m sure Klaus gave some sort of speech that was helpful and supportive, but he’s much better at handling emotions then I am. At least, other people’s emotions, not so much his own. What I’m trying to say is, I care about you, we all care about you, and nobody is gonna care if you need more touch. Except maybe Luther, he doesn’t like being touched all that cause of the whole… monkey body thing. I’m gonna shut up now cause I have no idea where this is going, but I care about you a lot more then you think, and I’ll keep an eye out for when you look small.” 

This time Five didn’t cry, but they were goddamn close. Their head fell back into the crook of Diego’s neck, where it had spent the last ten hours.

“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is way longer then I planned but I'm happy with it so that's good. Also, unbetad so sorry if it's grammatically incoherent


	3. hungry

Five’s stomach ached. They were so used to going days between stops that having food readily available felt wrong. They continuously ended up accidentally starving themself for days on end, forgetting that hunger could be addressed, and they overdid it a little this time. They felt a little light headed and didn’t trust themself to walk down the stairs, so they just stayed upstairs. They tried to read some book they found on the shelf so nobody would question why they weren’t moving, but they couldn’t focus their eyes enough to see the words, let alone comprehend them. 

“Are… Are you reading one of Allison’s old romance novels? The ones with the ‘disgusting narrative structure’ as you said about a week ago?” Vanya sounded baffled and Five wanted to jump off the roof. Of all the books they could have grabbed off the shelf, it had to be some shitty romance novel. 

“I’m a masochist.” They responded, but their voice was not quite strong enough to pull it off in the way they intended. 

“Okay? Is there anything I can help you with?”

“No, I’m fine,” Five insisted, but their stomach betrayed them. It grumbled louder then they previously thought possible. Vanya stifled a laugh.

“Do you want some food?” Five sighed. 

“Yeah.”

‘Do you want to get up and get some.”

“I would love to, thing is, I’m not to confident in my ability to walk down the stairs without passing out.”

“Oh, well, um, you can lean on me, okay?” 

Five nodded slowly, and leaned to the side to put their book down then started shifting their feet so they could get up. Vanya wrapped her left arm under their arms and grabbed their hand that was now sling over her and started rising slowly. As soon as they were upright Five’s vision went black for a second and they put their free hand on their forehead. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Mmhmm, just need a second so I can see.”

“Then we’ll wait a second.” Five nodded again and pulled their hand down once their vision cleared. 

“When was the last time you drank any water, or just anything besides coffee?”

“... Monday, I think.”

“It’s Friday.”

“I’m aware.” No matter how much Five tried to deflect with sarcasm, their voice just wouldn’t let them. 

“Ready to move?”

“Yeah.”

As soon as the took a step it hit Five that they were touching. Like a lot. Honestly, that distracted them enough for them to go a few more hours without food, so they almost made the move to sit back down but remembered they didn’t have to do that. Food was readily available, they just forgot it was all the goddamn time. 

“You think you’re ready to go down the stairs.”

“Probably,” They said weakly. 

The wall down the stairs felt like descending from Mount Everest while sleep deprived. Luckily, the tingly feeling that came with so much touching. As they got closer and closer to the bottom of the staircase Five leaned more and more into the touch, whether they did it for support or because they wanted to touch Vanya as much as possible is entirely debatable. 

“One more staircase and we’ll be in the kitchen, can you make it?” They nodded, but they started swaying as soon as they slowed down, “Are you sure? I could just go and grab something for you to eat in the living room.”

“No, I can do it.”

“Whatever you say,” Vanya shook her head and tightened her grip. Five’s heart started beating faster. Her hand was pressed right against their ribs and it felt so intense and god fuck how do people handle this. They zoned out entirely, only feeling Vanya’s hand on their ribs, her arm on their back, her fingers gripping theirs, and before they knew it they were sat at the table and all that was gone while Vanya grabbed a box of mac n cheese and turned on the stove. They were just barely able to suppress a whimper at the loss of touch. 

“Do you want sour cream and onion or original Pringle’s?”

“The first one.”

“Wrong answer, but since you’re the starving one I’ll allow it,” Vanya laughed to herself. 

Five suddenly realized that they hadn’t heard Vanya joke like that with anyone else and it made them sad. They’d been so close when they were young and then they’d just… left her their. 

“Hey Vanya,”

“Mmhmm?”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you like that. I know it’s a little late but it was inconsiderate of how that would affect you,” Vanya looked startled, from what Five’s somewhat compromised vision could make out. 

“I… don’t know what to say. I missed you a lot, Five. Being here without you was hard, but I accept you apology. You were thirteen and just trying to get Dad to listen to you. I kinda admired you, for standing up to him, you know?”

“It was stupid and irrational,”

“So was what happened to all of us as kids. I’m not gonna say you had it better then any of us cause that just isn’t true, but I used to imagine you did. That you had found a place where you could be free from all that shit and just, I don’t know, move on.”

“I spent the whole time I was gone trying to get back. I knew how bad it was there, but it was the only home I knew, you guys were the only home I knew. I’m just glad to be back,” Five’s head started pounding, “Now, I’m glad we’re doing the whole emotional discussion thing, but if I don’t drink some water right now I’m gonna kill someone.”

Vanya got up and filled a glass and put it down in front of them. They gulped it down like a wild animal then slammed the glass on the table. A second passed before either spoke. 

“Thank you,” They said quietly 

“Don’t worry about it.”

Every inch of Five itches to reach out to her, but the alarm she’s set for the mac n cheese rang so she stood up and started pouring it into two bowls. She put the larger bowl in front of Five and started to sit in the seat across from him. 

“Wait, sit next to me,” They said quickly, beige they could back out. 

“Okay?” She walked around the table and pulled out the chair to their right. As soon as she sat Five scooted their own chair a few inches closer to hers and immediately dug into the mac n cheese. Vanya could tell something was off besides the starvation. Five never asked anyone to be closer to them, so something had to be up. She stared, intensely focused, at her mac n cheese as if it had the answers to what her sibling was trying to communicate to her. She saw that Five’s fingers were tapping at the table and slowly moving toward her, and it hit her. She reached out and put her hand over theirs. If they hadn’t been so into the mac n cheese, Vanya would’ve seen the smile that spread across their face. She pulled their hand off the table and just held it as she started eating the pasta, a small smile pushing its way forward. Once both of them had finished their meal, they looked over at each other and smiled much more tentatively. 

Five scooted their seat even closer and leaned their head on Vanya’s shoulder. Vanya let her head fall on theirs. Neither of them quite wanted to talk about it, but they knew it was necessary to at least debrief a little. Five peaks dup at the side of her face before starting to speak. 

“I’ve been having some, um, issues, as of late when it comes to touch. Well, lack thereof. I went way to long with no human person to touch so now I want to make up for lost time but I don’t know how and it’s very overwhelming. Klaus has been helping me out for a few weeks and Diego jumped in after we went out to dinner last week. If you don’t want to put up with my weird clinging, that’s okay, I won’t make you, but I wanted to at least let you know,” There were tears in Vanya’s eyes. 

“Five, of course I want to help you. I’m by no means used to this kind of thing, but I want to be. Maybe we can work together,” she laughed wetly, “Two touch-starved adults trying to figure out the ins and outs of casual intimacy.” Five laughed and grabbed her hand again. They stayed there for just long enough for their necks to get stiff, but neither regretted it for a second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is on the shorter side, it just didn’t feel right making it any longer

**Author's Note:**

> Klaus' whole speech was lowkey me @ing myself lmao. I just,,,,, love these kids ugh


End file.
